Ah yes... for a moment I thought I might be reading from a stack of older letters my ex sent to me a while ago that were confirming the pure brutality of bitter blame that his mother doled out frequently, meaning any chance she could, to mostly the spouses of her three obliged, yet fearful, offspring.
Heartbreakingly, I had no choice but to walk away from my marriage as did my brother-in-law and her first three husbands. The ties that bound her and her children were pulled too tightly for any thing or anyone to separate them from the constant misery she inflicted upon them and those whom they wed.
The pit of my stomach recalls less and less the emotional toll that was foisted upon me after my nuptials, but clearly, your piece reawakened that confused and horribly painful and excruciatingly sad fifteen years that I did survive.
After losing my own beautiful and loving Mom when I was fifteen, I believed I would be so blessed to finally have a woman in my life that I could eventually call Mom-in-law! She could teach me old family recipes, we could enjoy the holidays together, and call each other for no special reason at all, but it was not to be. Out of the dozens of two to four page letters she spitefully sent to our addresses, one stood out the most.
She wrote a letter to my ex when we were in our fifth year of wedded bliss explaining that after seeing her therapist, she expressed that it was a good thing that my Mom had died so she wouldn’t have to see the woman I had become. Ouch. There were many pages of letters addressed to my husband during all those years that mainly spoke of me. Besides her expressing her unfounded fear that she didn’t want us to have a child because it could turn out retarded like me (I was born with a dislocated hip) the worse was the things she said of my Mom who would have been nothing but kind and gracious towards her.
Forgiveness is what got me through the dizzying array of emotions and heartbreak. I learned we cannot control another person or be controlled by another person. We can only control how we react to them.
When my ex mother-in-law passed away a few years ago with her son and daughter by her side, he told me that she had lightened up in the few years before. That she had become kinder and gentler and more aware of other’s feelings. This is exactly what I needed to hear to finally put my own heart at ease. You see, the whole time, I did respect her for having and raising such a loving man that I got to call my own. Though we have been divorced for over twenty-five years, I love him probably even more deeply than I did on the day we said our “I Do’s”. Through it all I’ve learned, “God’s love never fails!” and it is only in and through HIM I’ve learned in all things, big and small, that it takes the grace of an angel and the strength of a warrior to persevere and rise above the insults and loses most of us will someday experience.
God bless you Kyle and all of your loved ones! 🙏🏻 Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart with us here. And I agree, though at times it may feel like it, we truly are never alone!
Thank you for reading this and for this note. As you'll come to read about, one of the many things I'm sad about for Cindy is what she lost out on by hating my wife. But she can't help herself, that is what is going to happen with a narcissist. Sounds like you were in a similar situation. I'm glad you are on a healing path.
“one of the many things I'm sad about for Cindy is what she lost out on by hating my wife”
It is true, Cindy is the one who has lost out the most on so many of the beautiful benefits of having a loving daughter-in-law. What is most concerning is your wife’s spiritual wellbeing when such venom and personal attacks are never ceasing. Your Mom, placing undue blame and criticism on you both has most likely only added to the unavoidable regular everyday stressors within your marriage. The most important aspect of your story is that you as a husband are fully awake and aware of devastating consequences of the toll Cindy has exacted upon your lives.
This in itself is your wife’s saving grace!
My ex didn’t wake up to the devastation that his Mom created and orchestrated in our lives until I was gone for a few years. Slowly he came around to seeing how manipulative and overbearing she was throughout our married life. Though we are now separated by miles and days, our respect and love for each other is still available to each other and refreshed daily in and through Christ!
As long as you continue to stick up for your bride and continue to reassure her that you are on her side and protect her heart, your marriage will continue to strengthen your resolve to fight the good fight together and enjoy the closeness that you two have built. As it has been said, “Happy spouse, Happy house!”
I am so sorry Kyle
Ah yes... for a moment I thought I might be reading from a stack of older letters my ex sent to me a while ago that were confirming the pure brutality of bitter blame that his mother doled out frequently, meaning any chance she could, to mostly the spouses of her three obliged, yet fearful, offspring.
Heartbreakingly, I had no choice but to walk away from my marriage as did my brother-in-law and her first three husbands. The ties that bound her and her children were pulled too tightly for any thing or anyone to separate them from the constant misery she inflicted upon them and those whom they wed.
The pit of my stomach recalls less and less the emotional toll that was foisted upon me after my nuptials, but clearly, your piece reawakened that confused and horribly painful and excruciatingly sad fifteen years that I did survive.
After losing my own beautiful and loving Mom when I was fifteen, I believed I would be so blessed to finally have a woman in my life that I could eventually call Mom-in-law! She could teach me old family recipes, we could enjoy the holidays together, and call each other for no special reason at all, but it was not to be. Out of the dozens of two to four page letters she spitefully sent to our addresses, one stood out the most.
She wrote a letter to my ex when we were in our fifth year of wedded bliss explaining that after seeing her therapist, she expressed that it was a good thing that my Mom had died so she wouldn’t have to see the woman I had become. Ouch. There were many pages of letters addressed to my husband during all those years that mainly spoke of me. Besides her expressing her unfounded fear that she didn’t want us to have a child because it could turn out retarded like me (I was born with a dislocated hip) the worse was the things she said of my Mom who would have been nothing but kind and gracious towards her.
Forgiveness is what got me through the dizzying array of emotions and heartbreak. I learned we cannot control another person or be controlled by another person. We can only control how we react to them.
When my ex mother-in-law passed away a few years ago with her son and daughter by her side, he told me that she had lightened up in the few years before. That she had become kinder and gentler and more aware of other’s feelings. This is exactly what I needed to hear to finally put my own heart at ease. You see, the whole time, I did respect her for having and raising such a loving man that I got to call my own. Though we have been divorced for over twenty-five years, I love him probably even more deeply than I did on the day we said our “I Do’s”. Through it all I’ve learned, “God’s love never fails!” and it is only in and through HIM I’ve learned in all things, big and small, that it takes the grace of an angel and the strength of a warrior to persevere and rise above the insults and loses most of us will someday experience.
God bless you Kyle and all of your loved ones! 🙏🏻 Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart with us here. And I agree, though at times it may feel like it, we truly are never alone!
Thank you for reading this and for this note. As you'll come to read about, one of the many things I'm sad about for Cindy is what she lost out on by hating my wife. But she can't help herself, that is what is going to happen with a narcissist. Sounds like you were in a similar situation. I'm glad you are on a healing path.
Kyle ~ You wrote:
“one of the many things I'm sad about for Cindy is what she lost out on by hating my wife”
It is true, Cindy is the one who has lost out the most on so many of the beautiful benefits of having a loving daughter-in-law. What is most concerning is your wife’s spiritual wellbeing when such venom and personal attacks are never ceasing. Your Mom, placing undue blame and criticism on you both has most likely only added to the unavoidable regular everyday stressors within your marriage. The most important aspect of your story is that you as a husband are fully awake and aware of devastating consequences of the toll Cindy has exacted upon your lives.
This in itself is your wife’s saving grace!
My ex didn’t wake up to the devastation that his Mom created and orchestrated in our lives until I was gone for a few years. Slowly he came around to seeing how manipulative and overbearing she was throughout our married life. Though we are now separated by miles and days, our respect and love for each other is still available to each other and refreshed daily in and through Christ!
As long as you continue to stick up for your bride and continue to reassure her that you are on her side and protect her heart, your marriage will continue to strengthen your resolve to fight the good fight together and enjoy the closeness that you two have built. As it has been said, “Happy spouse, Happy house!”
God’s best to you both! 🙏🏻
I am proud of you!